Samantha Dunn
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1
Samantha Dunn was in a near fatal riding incident in the mid 90’s that left her with severe, constant chronic pain in her leg and shoulder.
2
Sometimes the gnawing, core-deep bone pain feels like its own kind of prison. I have lived with pain every day of my life for more than 20 years now; I will never fully escape it. Even when I was using and abusing pills I wasn't totally free of pain -- the pills just extracted my ability to care about it. But there have been moments -- and this is true -- where the pain has reminded me that I am alive, that I am in congress with every being that has ever lived, connected, because every animal, human or otherwise, knows what it is to be in pain at some point in their existence.
3
For the most part I keep my challenges to myself. I express my struggles with depression and addiction with very, very few people. For those who look closely though, I always think it evident, undergirding all my work. And yes, depression at least is a physical weight that lives in the body.
4
Chronic pain for me is this gnawing ache -- I sometimes imagine it literally as a tiny creature gnawing on my leg. Not enough to kill me, just enough to make me permanently distracted. Or sometimes I think of it like a leech, slowly draining my life force and making me exhausted all the time. But would I ever go back on pain killers? I think about that. I can tell you that the few times in the past years when I have had them -- post dental surgery and once after a gallbladder operation -- the temporary absence of feeling, any feeling, has come as sweet relief. But then I remember the tunnel that leads to, the depression, the hopelessness, the selfishness and the harm it can cause to the people who love you -- and the fact that my body so quickly adjusts to dosages that the relief is never more than momentary, and everything comes crashing back. Is there a world in which I could accept addiction though? I don't think so. Not because I don't like the fantasy of it, but because I know the reality.
5
My solution has been to take advantage of therapies when I can, but otherwise accept that I will live with a slow, dull pain much of the time.